i miss blogging

maybe someday i'll have time again... someday.

dang.

It's been almost 8 months since I last blogged. I have so much to write about, and am definitely in the mood to write it, but I'm at work and I really shouldn't be doing this right now. It's all on the tips of my fingers but the clock is ticking.

Catch me later, promise.

restoration

Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.


Jesus, lover of my soul
Jesus, I will never let You go
You've taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now I know

I love You, I need You
Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship You until the very end!

Praise be to Jesus who hauls me up from selfishness!

I will find You when I seek You with all my heart
soul
mind
strength
Submission of my being in this search for Your enchantment
And so to enchant You with everything I say
am
think
create
With passion!
Passion is not in the expression of my self
Passion is not in the honour of what I can make of this world

Passion is
the joy of life
the truth behind love
Passion is
the exuberant hunt for persistently delighting in You.

I will find Passion in my heart where I find You.
In my heart
where I find You among my flaws
Passionately at work in the grimy corners of my sinful heart
Passionately cleansing me of my Self
again and again and again
Passionately replacing Me
with You.

Psalm 42

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him.
my Savior and my God.

I praise You!
for you have heard me
for You are with me
You have come to restore me

If You are in me
I will not let You down
I can not let You down

If You are in me
How can I not delight in You?

Stay with me!
Stay and watch my life be lived passionately for You!

Hallelujah! Amen.

we're goin' to winnipeg

haha, i just thought of that old commercial. (what was this commercial for anyways?)

you know the one where the guy sits down in his seat in the airplane before it takes off, and he's all decked out in a hawaiian shirt, flip flops, leis... so he's excited to go to hawaii, obviously. unfortunately his seat mates, in their clean cut suits and laptops, deaden his mood by revealing that the plane is actually headed to Winnipeg.

i can see him now. the suddenly thwarted guy in the middle clenches his teeth, breathes in, and exclaims, "we're goin' to Winnipeg".

last year i spent my 2 weeks vacation in the Dominican. this year I'm goin' to Winnipeg! :D

despite my humour, i'm totally optomistic about going - i get to see family i haven't seen in forever, and i've never actually been, so it's good all around! please pray for us as we travel. thanks!

apples and coffee

i've been feeling lost lately. i don't want to blog because i have nothing to blog. people usually blog when they're feeling something significant, but most of the time, i can't find any feeling (or philosophy, for all you thinkers out there) big enough to write about. i don't necessarily shut myself off on purpose, but at the same time, i've let myself become a coaster (as in coasting through life, not a drink coaster. then again...). my success: if there are no extreme ups, then concurrently there are no extreme downs.

and then last night, an overwhelming impression that 'i feel easily forgotten' was eventually narrowed down to my particular need to use God, and nothing else, as my retreat. Every day.

secret key words in use: forgotten, appreciate, home, nothing else, God, failure, promise, philippians 4:6.

don't worry if you don't understand. i needed to write these down for my own reminder.

this morning i got off the train and contemplated stopping for a coffee before work. i told myself God was, for some reason, telling me not to. so i passed the mall. but then, how was i supposed to know God really didn't want me to buy a coffee today? i careened into the next starbucks on the corner of 4th and 8th. i stood in line for about 2 minutes, but couldn't decide what to get. thankfully they hadn't asked my order by the time i -almost involuntarily- walked out.

it's not that coffee is wrong. it was more so the fact that God was asking me not to buy one, and my ultimate obedience, or disobedience, would bring me to either retreat in him or from him. so i left.

i continued walking. okay. how am i to know it was really God speaking? shouldn't i be close enough to him to tell?

retreat. retreat. retreat. but i do not deserve you. retreat.

maybe caitlin inspired me?

Father, i need your love. please, show me your love can survive in me.

i walked past the same homeless guy i see every morning, and have given a granola bar to in the past. every person is passing. no money today. late for work. ignorance, keep on walking.

maybe kellen inspired me?

about halfway down the block, in the same involuntary movement that i left starbucks with, i turned back around to give him the apple in my purse.

here, sir. have a good day. God bless.

then suddenly it hit me.

i'd rather have an unlimited supply of apples to give away than an abundance of coffee to drink.

maybe that's what God was trying to teach me.

God used something so insignificant as whether or not i bought a coffee to make me recognize true value.

Teacher, keep stirring my soul. mold my heart from yours. when i retreat in you, show me who you are. bless me with obedience so i can be like you.

maybe now it’s about time i let God work on my evasion of emotion.




there.

i blogged.

musing

i've come to realize that my last kiss... wasn't long enough
i am listening to... city & colour
i talk... but i hate my voice
i love... laughter
my best friend... is the love of my life
i hate it when people ask.... "how's it going" but don't expect me to really answer, i mean really answer
love is... a way of life
marriage is... a lifelong slumber party
somewhere, someone is thinking... why?
i'll always... reorganize
i have a secret crush on... cinnamon dolce lattes (okay, not so secret)
the last time i cried was because... i fail
my cell phone is.... black and blue and gross
when i wake up in the morning... my kitty is mewing and clawing at the door
before i go to bed... i tell kitty he'd better be good tonight
right now i am thinking about... how i should really stop procrastinating at work
babies are... gifts
today i... printed out this really funny Dilbert comic I saw on the weekend and hung it in my cubicle (see 'jan 28' on www.dilbert.com). well i think it's funny.
tonight i will... hopefully eat something healthy for supper (chips and a burrito did not do it for me yesterday)
tomorrow i will be... so glad it's friday! i'm spending the evening with my mommy.
i really want to be... at home in my robe drinking mulled wine and watching something lovely.

triptych

something old, something new, something everyone else does

so i have this profound fascination with being selfish.

example: usually when someone suggests something they plan to accomplish - something i've longed to do for a while but never got around to it, or never had the means to, or never etc... - i get huffy. sensitive, sulky, and utterly pathetic. maybe i should get off my ass and do what i planned to in the first place. no! i shouldn't, and i won't, because now it's been taken from me, the chance has passed, and that's just the way it is. so there. let me flaunt myself silently.

see what a wretch i am.

or like the time when i reminded myself i have a whack of friends, but i've never been friendly enough to end up in a wedding party (other than my sister's), and needless to say i doubt i ever will. why not? because although i am a friend to many, most of my friends are guys, and i'm a bad friend to girls.

and then the future never comes. damn it, why does it take so long for things to actually happen. seems like everytime i thought i was getting somewhere, i smash into a brick wall and life crumbles around me. i'm like humpty dumpty, a big lazy oof with no excuse, falling and crashing and inevitably ending up back on the wall every time you re-open the book.

and yet, the fault is my own. i'm bitter towards my shortfalls and it's all because of me.

...insert lightbulb here...

...i need to ask for God's forgiveness, mercy, grace, love, inspiration. see what a wretch i am, Jesus. inspired: i need to be thankful. if i'm thankful for what i have, and that i do not have what i don't have already, bitterness will cease. selfishness will cease. my sensitivity can be used by the Spirit, instead of by the evil one. and eventually, sulking will be replaced with true humility.

Lord, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me. grant me a thankful heart.

my true political self

You are a Social Conservative (33% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (28% permissive) You are best described as a: Totalitarian You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. Link: The Politics Test

tenacious L in 'the post of destiny'

so one day i was procrastinating at work, and stumbled onto a post of assortment i had written way back on may 20, 2005, before nathan and i had even begun dating. the following is an excerpt...

did you know: its impossible to be best friends with a guy forever unless you marry him.

little did i know at the time that exactly one year later, to the day, i would marry my best friend.

fancy that?

checking it twice

my mind is an incessant scurry of little thoughts. let me pay tribute to my friend mike and his list-infatuated blog.

:what i should do before christmas:

:finish writing my wedding thank you cards... (6 months behind and counting...)
:buy, write, and send christmas cards to lawyers associated with my company
:christmas presents?! agh!! don't even get me started!
:find time to go to the mall to buy christmas presents
:wait for Dec 15 so i can pay for christmas presents
:bake cookies for our neighbours
:go to consultation with oral surgeon re: wisdom teeth
:book an eye appointment
:book a doctor's appointment
:clean eekum's litter box
:drive our car around anxiously everyday until it proves itself again (...or until we can get a new one)
:fill our shoebox for samaritan's purse (is it too late?)
:finish making greeting cards for the artisan sale at church
:grocery shop
:pay down visa
:get wedding pictures printed and hung
:clean upstairs bathroom
:wash sofa cover, sweep, windex, my laundry
:what the heck am i going to put in nathan's stocking?!
:book off two weeks in the spring for winnipeg
:practice christmas duet with leanne
:finish selling on ebay
:hang lights outside
:finalize the innumerous holiday socializing plans with friends and family

i'm sure there's more. all you other A-type people out there - how do you manage it?!
i miss having an accessible calendar to write on. God help me.

a noteworthy blog

Moral High Ground

please consider this in your own lives. this is something so so simple but i find it very difficult to see actually being lived out by many in our Christian communities. i definitely felt challenged by it, and encourage you - no, i beg you to keep me accountable for that.

photography by me

a few snapshots from art worship at the awaken retreat last weekend...

my blog, inspired by me

i like writing creatively. but that doesn't mean it comes easily to me. what you are about to read is a little comment i wrote Beth that was illuminated by a very small area of my mind and therefore is quite likely only 5% grammar-correct. who cares. come on, something that is worthy of being blogged in my... blog... has got to be one in a million (maybe that's cause i only blog once in a million)...

"...there are strange managers on every staff! maybe [your kid-clothing store manager] has had a few experiences in the past with male employees quitting because they're surrounded by too much femininity and/or awww-induced maternal instinct. some things are just too much for guys to handle.

"speaking of awww-induced behaviour, i was at the zoo the other day picking nathan up from the ctrain, and gave in to the head-tilt, batty eyelashes, and charmed half-smile full of wishful thinking when i spotted not one, not two, but atleast three half-a-dozen children in furry little costumes being led past my car by their parents. zebras, cows, princesses, and gerbils - yes, i'm sure it was meant to be a gerbil outfit - marching alongside strollers and their half-enthusiastic moms with starbucks in hand. awe-induced is right. can't wait to be one of those baggy-eyed go-go-go moms! really i mean it!"

wow, forget i ever mentioned it.

on a completely different note, while my husband donates his time tonight to learning how to Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, i'm going christmas decoration shopping! you, honestly, have NO idea what this means to me. something i have been longing for maybe since last year. okay seriously. it's a big deal for me! i own a house now. i "sold-my-soul-to-the-income-sucking-interest-hording-we'll-kill-you-if-you-don't-choose-the-100-year-amortization" kind of own it. so now i get the privilege of decorating it for christmas. it's what everyone longs for, isn't it? to be honest i'll probably only come home with a fake 2-ft charlie-brown-esque thing that almost resembles a christmas tree and a few bobbles and twinkle lights, because my bank card won't work after that $300 is gone. boy i love christmas. not just real Christmas, with the "peace unto earth and goodwill to all men" stuff, but the commercialized "let's rob them good like they wish for a curb-stomp" christmas. icing on the cake of consumerism. this year, don't stick it to The Man, have his cake and eat it too!

satirical commentary aside, i'm serious. join me for a hot cider when i get back. here's to happy decoration hunting! :)

this mountains high

a thought by a good friend Jono, followed by my response and perpetual struggle:

"God speaks, I know it, but the volume is directly proportional to our listening. Each time I listen, I hear Him, but then He introduces something else in me that needs to change, and I again need to ramp up that following and listening. If He's told you that you are soft, cruel, or selfish, then you have your next assignment. The terraces on God's mountain are very narrow. Just wide enough to allow for a moment of thanksgiving before we need to start climbing again. We find it easy to get used to things, to become accustomed to blessings and not appreciate them. God is infinite and the climbing will continue indefinitely but the moment we stay at one level for to long, we get used to it and we aren't as thankful for it. Gotta keep on moving, it's not like we're going to hit the top, God is infinite. Just thoughts which came to mind. I dunno if they're relevant or not."

relevant atleast to me.

often i find myself stopping and become apathetic towards moving again. it's comfortable where i am. if this mountain is so infinite, why should i keep trying to reach the top? reaching a clearing in the clouds only to find that there is so much further to go is scary. it brings too much of my incompetence and inability to the surface. why dare take another step? i could build a pretty little cottage and live right here until the end. but then occasionally i feel something prodding me - nagging me to keep going up and up and up...

if only i could make out the path i'm to follow.

expedite this

i found the electric fireplace i want and likely we will get:





















only $150 from home depot.

yes, we will have a place to hang our stockings and not just over the tv!

dilemmas... i hate being in the waiting stage. our car, my raise, decorating, renovating, anticipating the future... but i hate waiting so much so i can't even bear to write about it.

anyone else have this blogging problem? so much on your mind that you can't even begin to display it in words so you just don't.

someone please buy me a fireplace

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

i know, i know. it's only october. i don't care. i love christmas.
joy to the world
i played the charlie brown christmas soundtrack at work last week and people were smiling.
fine, they were likely laughing at me, but they were still smiling.
joy joy joy

stupid people piss me off

that's all.

our wedding

only a few of my favourite wedding shots...

dreams of juggling

Aghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work is really really getting to me and if anyone knows me well they know that this isn't the first time I've become unsettled. My sister went to camp for the summer and while she is building key relationships with others and solidifying her relationship with God, I am stuck here at a desk still distributing the million computer faxes that have come in since yesterday -- and are still coming in dozens by the minute while I write this -- and building my hate relationship with my misc. inbox until I grow a second brain and a third arm to tend to it.

I know this will only last a few more weeks until they hire a new receptionist so I can get back to my administrative duties. Of course, my unsettled soul will eventually settle back down into my mundane 9-5er, and I'll be merely apathetic until I come across a number of reasons why I should become unsettled again. But it's too much to handle right now, which is why I'm blogging instead of doing faxes and answering phones.

Please pray. Please please please. I won't lie - life is expensive. But are decent pay and job stability worth dealing with the stresses of a job you actually hate?

On another note...

Gull Lake Baptist Camp is in desperate need of volunteers for this summer. Please visit www.gullakecamp.net for more info. If things work out, I may be able to head up for a week in August. But as far as I know, there are atleast 40 volunteer positions available throughout the summer. You have no choice: Give them a call.


What would I like to be doing right now instead of sitting at a computer, burning my eyes and developing arthritis from typing too many numbers with my right hand?

Working as a counselor or artist at camp.
Singing in a band. Being discovered.
Doing pilates.
Volunteering relief work in developing countries.
Continue taking hip hop dance lessons and eventually backup dance.
Developing worship through the other arts at Awaken.
Opening a present with a much beautiful camera inside.
Taking a photography course and eventually getting paid to take as many beautiful or ugly photos as I like.
Designing something.


Hold that thought, office meeting in the main room.

...

*Sigh* Or, putting up with the hectics of the office during the busiest time of the year, train our new receptionist in two weeks, and be promoted into funding by autumn.

See, I told you I'd settle back down. Putting that To Do list back on the shelf.

lara to the rescue

I think my results are debatable... please post a reply and vote: Is this the real Lauren underneath, or do quiz results lie?

You scored as Lara Croft. A thrill-seeking, slightly unscrupulous, tough-as-nails archaeologist, Lara Croft travels the world in search of ancient relics perhaps better left hidden. She packs two Colt .45s and has no fear of jumping off buildings, exploring creepy tombs, or taking on evil meglomaniacs bent on world domination. James Bond, Agent 007 71% Lara Croft 71% Indiana Jones 63% El Zorro 63% Batman, the Dark Knight 63% Maximus 54% Neo, the "One" 54% Captain Jack Sparrow 54% The Terminator 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 38% William Wallace 33% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

out of hand

i'm sorry i really haven't had time to update my blog with personal rants/reflections/daily schedules. the first half of the year has been primarily filled with wedding planning and house possession, leaving me little time to muse over road rage, stencils, or anything else people blog about these days.
but i do have time at work to take way too many personality tests!
and since everyone else has posted this particular one on their blog, i might as well jump on the bandwagon...

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results Gregariousness ||||||||||||||| 50% Sociability |||||||||||||||||| 58% Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Poise ||||||||||||||| 50% Leadership |||||||||||||||||| 54% Provocativeness ||||||||||||||| 42% Self-Disclosure |||||||||||| 34% Talkativeness |||||||||||| 38% Group Attachment ||||||||||||||| 50% Extroversion ||||||||||||||| 47% Understanding ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Warmth ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Pleasantness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Empathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Cooperation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Sympathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Tenderness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Nurturance |||||||||||||||||| 58% Accommodation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Conscientiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Efficiency ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Purposefulness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Organization |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Cautiousness ||||||||||||||| 46% Rationality ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Planning |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Orderliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Happiness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Calmness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Moderation |||||||||||||||||| 58% Toughness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Impulse Control ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Imperturbability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Cool-headedness ||||||||| 26% Tranquility ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 59% Intellect ||||||||||||||| 46% Ingenuity ||||||||||||||| 42% Reflection ||||||||||||||| 46% Competence ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Quickness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Creativity ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Imagination |||||||||||||||||| 58% Depth ||||||||||||||| 46% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 54%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

personality test fetish anyone?

draw a pig!

alright, i decided the embeddable player significantly diminished my blog appeal.

instead, draw a pig here.

ESFJ

So I was perusing the world of blogs and came across a free trial of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I've taken it a number of times but I had to confirm my letters once more. Yes, this has been me for the past 21 years.

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

ESFJ - Extroverted (E) 58.33% Intro (I) 41.67% Sensing (S) 61.76% Intuitive (N) 38.24% Feeling (F) 65.63% Thinking (T) 34.38% Judging (J) 66.67% Perceiving (P) 33.33%

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

^ i got engaged on this day

this is our engagement photo.

seeing God in 3x5s

God is a personal God.

it is possible to believe that God is not personal if you are blind, deaf, mute, vegetative, lifeless, and without a spirit. yet even then i'd question your reasoning.

i can't believe coincidence or "fate" is more personal than God any more than i can believe we evolved with no purpose in mind. unfortunately i've allowed the past few months to unfocus myself o­n where God is in the midst of life. but i eventually found myself at the bottom of a hole with no where to look but up... literally. the last 24 hours have deepened my understanding of just how personal God is and how visible His love is... even in ordinary things.


-the people around me have been such a blessing. my family, nathan, friends, coworkers...

-the Spirit has a huge hand o­n the heart of Awaken. i am so excited for where we are going as a church community and have no doubt that God will strengthen us if we keep our eyes o­n Him.

-i've been provided with so much financially -- i got an unexpectedly large bonus at work, got me back o­n track with savings and let me spend a little more o­n christmas gifts.

-my eye infection is gone. yes, i used polysporin o­n it all weekend. that should be common sense. but i prayed it would heal and oh look, it has.

-this morning i woke up and got out of the house with time to spare. (no rushing = very good start to lauren's day!)

-i trusted God would help me find a parking spot in the rush at brentwood. He did.

-i got off the train at ten past eight (unusually early) and had enough time to meander over to starbucks for an amazing grande vanilla non fat earl grey tea misto.

and then...
i looked at the sky.

enroute to downtown i had been listening to john mayer's old cd room for squares (a blessing in itself - i love his music and his lyrics are subtly intelligent - it's been in my player for the past week). o­ne song has caught my attention several times. the style's a bit country-esque so its surprising that i really really like the song. anyways it came o­n just as i stepped out of starbucks this morning.


Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliché
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's


wow i love john mayer.
anyways so it was just a little reminder for me to appreciate the beauty of the sky this morning. and it wasn't hard to look up. see it's the simple things... God doesn't have to give me everything i want in order for me to believe His love is personal. He knows my passion for beauty and art in all its forms, and he blessed me with a made-to-order reminder this morning.

Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. (phil 4:6)

Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. (psalm 37:4)

God o­nly seems as distant as you allow. but look for Him and you'll notice He's been beside you the whole time. a verse pops into my head that i read at pwc way back in january...

Careful, I've put a huge stone o­n the road to Mount Zion, a stone you can't get around. But the stone is me! If you're looking for me, you'll find me o­n the way, not in the way. (romans 9:33)


so why 3x5s? because especially in the consumer driven pace of the christmas season it's easy to forget where God really fits in. i want to experience life to the fullness that o­nly God can offer when He's standing right beside me. like the homeless guy who sits outside starbucks every day, and says 'have a nice day' to everyone who walks by. i ended up walking past him the other day then turned back after half a block to give him a bag of cookies i had in my pocket. there was beauty in his smile when he said thank you. i can't fully see God's work until i look for it. so sometimes we need the 3x5s to remind us of that, so we can anticipate what's coming... like mere glimpses of the beauty we will experience when we're standing in the glory of the Father... the background o­n my desktop is a sunset reflected in the waves of an ocean... as a casual photographer i find it even worshipful to capture beauty in a frame.

so take snapshots of your life, literal or figurative. see God's personal touch in it. find beauty in it. be thankful for it and anticipate the next opportunity to experience your life... it's here now...

thanks Father for Your hand in the world. for the reminders everyday of Your grace in my life. i pray john mayer, along with the rest of us, would realize the beauty of the earth that he sees is the handiwork of a very loving, very personal Creator.

i am chocolate

apparently it must be true. even though i'm not a fan of indulging in white chocolate. which almost makes sense -- if you think about it.

what kind of chocolate are you?

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in. Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you. You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

new additions

thought i would combine a previous journal i had with this blog. if you're interested in reading some stuff ive written through the past year, go ahead. it's all below...

:) hey life is good. okay God is better.

infringing copyrights?

the following story is my 15 year old sister caitlin's gruesome account of what began as a seemingly uneventful halloween evening... i thought it was really well written! if you want to comment, ill be the one over in that corner rocking back and forth...

All it was, was a ride in my sister's car. thats all it took to look past what seemed to be doom's lair & a handful of candy and realize; hey that might be fun! but we didnt know what was coming when lauren and i crawled out of the vehicle, down the path and landed on the front stoop of death. this halloween was unlike any other. my first year not going trick or treating! or even dressing up! the horror of the thought made me shudder, that we could have ended the night by watching a nice light movie-perhaps Tarzan- and yet be safe in my home. why did we have to pick this place? though it was all too late! i seized my beloved sister's grasp- at least that would be the only warmth and happy feeling i would ever behold after entering wht seemed to be a tent full of hideous memories and concealed futures. we took the first steps- okay so far...but now what? would a horrid creature jump out and kill us both?! no. we had to remain calm and gather up all the sence we mercily had left behind on the road somewhere. weaving through silver-tinted passageways, creeping through dark green mist. i longed for the moment when we would be free of this wretched place and back on the normal, rustic earth of our birth. at one maze-end we found what looked like a gray whethered rock- but it occured to us that this was no rock! 'i dare you to touch it...' i breathed trying to gain some humour and push aside what evil spells might cast upon us at the very moment. it was most certainly not a rock. it was a mummy. lying there so absurdly and disgustingly it made me cringe,and i turned and bid lauren to run from that haunted corner. i was getting so tired...when would this ordeal be over? but it was only the beginning. after another frustrating dead end, we managed toget to a wooden bridge. as we lifted our feet and slid them back down on the sliver-filled bark, we couldnt help feeling we were being watched. the mist so thick now, we could barely see the gravestones we passed by - lead only by our imaginations and walls keeping us in- forever trapped. my mind raced with all the messages written on the wall; of dieing and revenge- and finally- of rona lumber plastic wrap walls!!! lauren couldnt bear it any longer! she fled, surging my hand to glide swiftly past and through the rest. a scream...coming from my own lips-my eyes twitching as i watched the infamous fog devour me up, losing grip on my loved-one's hand, falling into a black hole where i knew i could do no more for it had been done! my life was put to an unmerciless en ----- blank. lauren shook me awake on the wet grass outside of the cheap halloween tent. i quivered and she pulled me up. everyone staring right through us as if we weren't there...as if...no! i told myself it couldn't be true. i could hear the wind and smell the sweet scent of autumn...tasting the car exhaust as we billowed through the reckless crowd of ghosts. we went to my place...met up with my sisters boyfriend and his younger brother who were waiting outside to get in...i turned the key and thanked my soul for not losing hope...for it had finally ended...and i was home -- drinking a smoothie and pecking out of the halloween goodie-filled basket -- and watching Tarzan.
-Caitlin

when actually

it's almost two in the morning!

i went to the bank today. set up an automatic savings plan, applied for my first credit card, walked away feeling productive. yeah, all i can say is finally. so, finally.

you know its funny. since that day i prayed over michelle, God and spirituality has come up in conversation more than 3 times. she mentioned feeling more peaceful since telling him what she needs. she sent me a website with The Lords Prayer, and i sent her james 1. i like james 1. after our office unfortunately did not win the $40 million 6/49 jackpot, she made a comment about us being the only 2 in the office who said we'd still go to work for the sake of the company, and apparently we're the only ones who should deserve to win anything anyways. well i think God has a reason for everything. the company would have gone under if everyone left. that is so true, and we were the only ones who said we would stay. you know what that is? values. and you know we'll be the rich ones at the end of it because we're more focused on keeping relationships (or something like that). yeah, because God will provide no matter what happens. mmhmmmm..he sure does... and really, if i ever won $2 million, i'd find it harder to trust God. yeah, exactly. that's how i see it, too.

so it's been pretty cool. i was telling nathan today how i don't think michelle is the only reason why im working at first national. but i believe God wants to use us wherever we are, and good relationships are key to really showing Christ's love to others. so we need to make sure that every relationship we have is nurtured at every opportunity. i could have gone off on a "Christ died a sacrificial death to redeem me so i have chosen to submit my entire life to him" tangent, but that's not what it's about. certainly, there comes a point when the complete explanation of salvation comes into play, but on a day to day basis, my focus is on solely connecting. i'm not a fan of bullhorn evangelism.

now. i'm excited for this weekend. going to the glenbow tomorrow with my family (never been a huge fan on the way to museums but once we're there it usually gets interesting) and then to a banquet at the church. church on sunday should be good, a man from tijuana who helps organize our mission trips came up for a weekend conference and he'll be speaking at Awaken. he's a really good speaker... inspirational.

hmmmm... i like chiantis. nathan got sick tonight so i half slept-half finished watching the interpreter with his family, and then came home to my roommate watching the family man with her friends and a chocolate donut from timmies -- half of which i ate, even though i refused a donut offered to me at nathan's. mmmm balancing whole wheat pasta with extra fatty goodness.

it is more than half past two now and consequently my contacts have become glued to my eyes. subsequently, my grammar has become unglued.

goodnight :)

moments for god's glory

For almost my whole life I've struggled with how to hear God speak and to discern between his voice, the world's voice, and the voice I want to be his. This has been something I've wanted to secure in my life, but I realize there is no absolute formula on how to hear God.

This past tuesday I almost audibly heard God and was able to discern his voice. While finishing up the last set of faxes for the day at my office, God told me to go pray over one of the women who was stressing about her surgery the next day. She was getting her tubes tied, and even as a late-thirty year old, she was still unsure if it was the right thing to do. So God told me to go pray. It was clear and I understood, but it still caught me off guard. Let me explain. I work in an office of about 20 people, and as far as I know, I am the only Christian. Since I started work here last January, I haven't been very spiritually forward with my coworkers about my faith... maybe due to intimidation as I'm the youngest here, but also because of my struggle with trusting God to open opportunities. Anyways, this particular woman is moreso into New Age than anything else, and so when God spoke to me about praying over her, I was almost surprised at the obvious opportunity to just love her.
I didn't want it to be awkward praying around other people. So God confirmed what I had to do when everyone left our part of the office but me and her... go figure. Well here goes.. I felt vulnerable. Why? I was told to lead this woman into the presence of God. Okay fine. I put my hand on her shoulder and asked if I could pray for her. Sure. Do you mind? No, not at all. Okay. Dear God, I want to pray for Michelle right now. I pray over her decision about tomorrow, that you would clarify what she needs to do. Please fill her with your grace, give her peace about the right decision, and I pray she wouldn't regret whatever she does in the end. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Wow, was she crying? I grabbed my coat and purse, and went back to give her a hug. I couldn't believe she teared up. Had my prayer really touched her so much?

She emailed me wednesday morning thanking me for my prayer. It had helped and she knows she is doing the right thing now. I had made her day.

I had made her day?

Okay so she was blessed by it. Did I know I would be so blessed by something so simple like listening to God? A moment of selflessness turned into a moment for God's glory.

Thanks for making your voice so clear, Father... for making the opportunity so simple I couldn't NOT do it. Help me to follow your lead almost automatically, without losing the emotion or the vision or the passion.