apples and coffee

i've been feeling lost lately. i don't want to blog because i have nothing to blog. people usually blog when they're feeling something significant, but most of the time, i can't find any feeling (or philosophy, for all you thinkers out there) big enough to write about. i don't necessarily shut myself off on purpose, but at the same time, i've let myself become a coaster (as in coasting through life, not a drink coaster. then again...). my success: if there are no extreme ups, then concurrently there are no extreme downs.

and then last night, an overwhelming impression that 'i feel easily forgotten' was eventually narrowed down to my particular need to use God, and nothing else, as my retreat. Every day.

secret key words in use: forgotten, appreciate, home, nothing else, God, failure, promise, philippians 4:6.

don't worry if you don't understand. i needed to write these down for my own reminder.

this morning i got off the train and contemplated stopping for a coffee before work. i told myself God was, for some reason, telling me not to. so i passed the mall. but then, how was i supposed to know God really didn't want me to buy a coffee today? i careened into the next starbucks on the corner of 4th and 8th. i stood in line for about 2 minutes, but couldn't decide what to get. thankfully they hadn't asked my order by the time i -almost involuntarily- walked out.

it's not that coffee is wrong. it was more so the fact that God was asking me not to buy one, and my ultimate obedience, or disobedience, would bring me to either retreat in him or from him. so i left.

i continued walking. okay. how am i to know it was really God speaking? shouldn't i be close enough to him to tell?

retreat. retreat. retreat. but i do not deserve you. retreat.

maybe caitlin inspired me?

Father, i need your love. please, show me your love can survive in me.

i walked past the same homeless guy i see every morning, and have given a granola bar to in the past. every person is passing. no money today. late for work. ignorance, keep on walking.

maybe kellen inspired me?

about halfway down the block, in the same involuntary movement that i left starbucks with, i turned back around to give him the apple in my purse.

here, sir. have a good day. God bless.

then suddenly it hit me.

i'd rather have an unlimited supply of apples to give away than an abundance of coffee to drink.

maybe that's what God was trying to teach me.

God used something so insignificant as whether or not i bought a coffee to make me recognize true value.

Teacher, keep stirring my soul. mold my heart from yours. when i retreat in you, show me who you are. bless me with obedience so i can be like you.

maybe now it’s about time i let God work on my evasion of emotion.




there.

i blogged.