triptych

something old, something new, something everyone else does

so i have this profound fascination with being selfish.

example: usually when someone suggests something they plan to accomplish - something i've longed to do for a while but never got around to it, or never had the means to, or never etc... - i get huffy. sensitive, sulky, and utterly pathetic. maybe i should get off my ass and do what i planned to in the first place. no! i shouldn't, and i won't, because now it's been taken from me, the chance has passed, and that's just the way it is. so there. let me flaunt myself silently.

see what a wretch i am.

or like the time when i reminded myself i have a whack of friends, but i've never been friendly enough to end up in a wedding party (other than my sister's), and needless to say i doubt i ever will. why not? because although i am a friend to many, most of my friends are guys, and i'm a bad friend to girls.

and then the future never comes. damn it, why does it take so long for things to actually happen. seems like everytime i thought i was getting somewhere, i smash into a brick wall and life crumbles around me. i'm like humpty dumpty, a big lazy oof with no excuse, falling and crashing and inevitably ending up back on the wall every time you re-open the book.

and yet, the fault is my own. i'm bitter towards my shortfalls and it's all because of me.

...insert lightbulb here...

...i need to ask for God's forgiveness, mercy, grace, love, inspiration. see what a wretch i am, Jesus. inspired: i need to be thankful. if i'm thankful for what i have, and that i do not have what i don't have already, bitterness will cease. selfishness will cease. my sensitivity can be used by the Spirit, instead of by the evil one. and eventually, sulking will be replaced with true humility.

Lord, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me. grant me a thankful heart.