wanderings

my mind goes everywhere. don't believe me? read o­n...

last night was interesting. God revealed some things about myself and i'm coming to a better understanding of what it means to be free in Christ. today i woke up and i was in a great mood, came to work and everything was ... nice. i thought, yay life is sorting out even if its not right away, i know itll be okay and God will give me direction and i don't need to worry about anything. so trusting in God in itself sorts life out.

then i went to the prayer room at lunch where i was encouraged by a psalm o­n the wall that specifically had to do with some things that were revealed yesterday so that was cool. i sat in 'my' chair and read the same verse in the nearby bible hoping to get a bit more insight and maybe read more of the same psalm. did that. okay so God's telling me to trust him even more and completely submit my desires because his are so much better and with him i can defeat a whole army.. or something like that. thanks, God. i left the prayer room and walked back to work just in time to catch a whole whack of faxes that had come in while i was gone before they had time to sprout legs and take over the entire office. thank goodness i was there to save the day.

the next few hours trudged by like a turtle o­n a hot highway getting run over by a semi. except i felt like the turtle. isn't time with God supposed to rejuvenate and restore me? maybe im being selfish? i must be confused because usually i don't come out of God's presence feeling like crap.

i went to the bank at 3:30 to do my daily deposit, and was happy to get out of the office. happy in a fit of frustration storming out the door kind of way.
walking to the bank i let God see my heart. am i mad at you God? maybe a little. i hate this rollercoaster of emotional and spiritual highs and lows followed by other highs then getting run over by semis. why can't life be nice? geez God, give me some credit. again, im selfish. sorry.

i let the escalator ride up from the bank cool me off. suddenly God said 'go for a walk, I want to show you something.' there was nothing i could do but go along. so instead of turning left out of the bank i turned right. i became excited when a big gust of wind whipped by me and i remembered a bit of Job that I had read last night before bed. I had opened the bible to where it was bookmarked and remembered an event from november that included reading the same bit of Job in the woman's bathroom at Brentview baptist some cold tuesday evening after work because God told me to. So when the wind ran by me, God asked me 'Who made the wind?' and i replied 'you did. thanks, that's cool. ...now what? there are no stars in the sky to comment o­n, no big ocean o­n stephen ave i can stand in wonder of. but ill keep walking.' Either because it was cold or the thought of an arrow indicating the +15 enticed me, i took a right into bankers hall and made my way up the escalator. somehow i felt guilty just standing there so i walked up the last half of the way. God where are you taking me? Yeah that fresh bread smells good, thanks God, now i'm hungry. *rolls eyes* ...okay God i'm still walking. these people are walking too slowly but that's okay, I have time. 'Take a right.' Got it. now people are looking at me weird because i took the long way around. whatever. oh let's go down the escalator. fine by me! k, now what God? if there was water coming down this huge wall fountain you could ask me 'Who made the water?' But there is no water so what are you trying to show me?? Alright outside we go. oo automatic doors. okay... now i can tell it might start raining. i like rain. oh a mom and her baby, that's cute, maybe when i walk by ill get a smile from the kid and send them a nice hello. nevermind, they've turned their back now. What's up God? What are you trying to show me?

so i ended up walking back to work the long way, hoping to hear from God, see a sign of His omnipotence, or something to a similar degree. a rock in the shape of a heart would have made my day. but i didn't really get much and im still stumped.

surprised there was no happy ending to my adventure today? this is the real Christian walk. it's not always happy go lucky always seeing God. it's a struggle, a journey. wonder what would happen if we told people what christianity is really like? there are times we have to take blind steps of faith, and sometimes it hurts. thankfully my hope is not in my success, but in Jesus and his saving grace. i will keep wandering.

yay for journals i dont care if anyone reads :) atleast writing this took some time off the rest of the work day.
(im really not as hopeless as i seem... )