unsettled...
...but not like a wave tossed by the wind.
Half a year ago, I returned from England wanting stability. Security. Routine. And now, six months later, I have a full time job that I love, have moved into an apartment, am regularly involved at my church, and have a general plan in my head around the next 6 months of my life. Oh the fall will work perfectly: keep my full time during the week, and take a massage therapy course on the weekends. Add to that an increase in financial security. on the outside, I couldn't be more settled.
So why don't I feel settled in my heart???
There is this constant battle between my heart and mind for my life. My mind wants to rationalize things and make sure everything I do is practical. Until church yesterday, it had been winning. Then something awoke abruptly inside me, sometime after one of my pastors said something about how having Christian faith for the rest of eternity includes right now. Where am I in life? Even if my head says yes, is this really where God wants me? So it seems God has unsettled my heart. And my heart wrestles my mind to stay unsettled -- to take an 'impractical' leap of faith.
The only problem is, I don't know where to leap to. Towards God, of course, but where will that physically take me in a week? A month? Three months? Last night after meeting with one friend over Starbucks, I felt the Holy Spirit prodding me about whether or not I'm willing to leave Calgary again if that's where God calls me. Shocked that God could actually unsettle me again, I explained these stirrings to another friend when I got home. He told me about his 'leap of faith' to do YWAM in Australia happening in the span of a week -- from an idea spurred by the Holy Spirit, to selling his car, to getting his travel visa, to actually leaving, all in a week. It scares me that God could uproot me that quickly -- and at the same time, I long for it. With all that I am and everything God's molding me to become, I long to be unsettled. The world wants me to settle, but I don't actually want the 9-2-5-4-life. Even as my mind shouts at the top of its lungs for stability, my heart cries for an unsettled life so deeply rooted in Christ and His ministry that it could literally take me anywhere at anytime.
So where does this leave me now?
Hesitant. My first week of training with YFC in 2003 brought us to university dorms where we slept, attended seminars, hung out, and developed awesome friendships. By the end of that week, our surroundings had become comfortable for us. We still had another few weeks of training to go, but in a different city. We arrived at our new dorms, and instantly wanted things to be how they were before. We missed the room set up, the big kitchen, the courtyard… But before we knew it, another week had passed and we had grown to love the second place as much as the first, even though it was weird when we arrived. K so this isn’t just some random story I threw in here – hopefully it’s described a bit of what I’m feeling now. I’m at the end of my first week, loving where I am, and can’t see any reason why I should move on. Moving on is difficult. Difficult is scary. And still, …I can’t stay still. Everything inside me yearns to jump…
Trust, patience, trust.
posted by laureneh at 8:51 p.m.
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