muse with me

i miss blogging

2008-08-14T16:01:00.000-06:00

maybe someday i'll have time again... someday.

dang.

2008-01-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 8 months since I last blogged. I have so much to write about, and am definitely in the mood to write it, but I'm at work and I really shouldn't be doing this right now. It's all on the tips of my fingers but the clock is ticking.

Catch me later, promise.

restoration

2007-05-18T09:26:00.000-06:00

Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Jesus, lover of my soul
Jesus, I will never let You go
You've taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now I know

I love You, I need You
Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship You until the very end!

Praise be to Jesus who hauls me up from selfishness!

I will find You when I seek You with all my heart
soul
mind
strength
Submission of my being in this search for Your enchantment
And so to enchant You with everything I say
am
think
create
With passion!
Passion is not in the expression of my self
Passion is not in the honour of what I can make of this world

Passion is
the joy of life
the truth behind love
Passion is
the exuberant hunt for persistently delighting in You.

I will find Passion in my heart where I find You.
In my heart
where I find You among my flaws
Passionately at work in the grimy corners of my sinful heart
Passionately cleansing me of my Self
again and again and again
Passionately replacing Me
with You.

Psalm 42

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him.
my Savior and my God.

I praise You!
for you have heard me
for You are with me
You have come to restore me

If You are in me
I will not let You down
I can not let You down

If You are in me
How can I not delight in You?

Stay with me!
Stay and watch my life be lived passionately for You!

Hallelujah! Amen.

we're goin' to winnipeg

2007-04-13T13:15:00.000-06:00

haha, i just thought of that old commercial. (what was this commercial for anyways?)

you know the one where the guy sits down in his seat in the airplane before it takes off, and he's all decked out in a hawaiian shirt, flip flops, leis... so he's excited to go to hawaii, obviously. unfortunately his seat mates, in their clean cut suits and laptops, deaden his mood by revealing that the plane is actually headed to Winnipeg.

i can see him now. the suddenly thwarted guy in the middle clenches his teeth, breathes in, and exclaims, "we're goin' to Winnipeg".

last year i spent my 2 weeks vacation in the Dominican. this year I'm goin' to Winnipeg! :D

despite my humour, i'm totally optomistic about going - i get to see family i haven't seen in forever, and i've never actually been, so it's good all around! please pray for us as we travel. thanks!

apples and coffee

2007-04-12T08:36:00.000-06:00

i've been feeling lost lately. i don't want to blog because i have nothing to blog. people usually blog when they're feeling something significant, but most of the time, i can't find any feeling (or philosophy, for all you thinkers out there) big enough to write about. i don't necessarily shut myself off on purpose, but at the same time, i've let myself become a coaster (as in coasting through life, not a drink coaster. then again...). my success: if there are no extreme ups, then concurrently there are no extreme downs.

and then last night, an overwhelming impression that 'i feel easily forgotten' was eventually narrowed down to my particular need to use God, and nothing else, as my retreat. Every day.

secret key words in use: forgotten, appreciate, home, nothing else, God, failure, promise, philippians 4:6.

don't worry if you don't understand. i needed to write these down for my own reminder.

this morning i got off the train and contemplated stopping for a coffee before work. i told myself God was, for some reason, telling me not to. so i passed the mall. but then, how was i supposed to know God really didn't want me to buy a coffee today? i careened into the next starbucks on the corner of 4th and 8th. i stood in line for about 2 minutes, but couldn't decide what to get. thankfully they hadn't asked my order by the time i -almost involuntarily- walked out.

it's not that coffee is wrong. it was more so the fact that God was asking me not to buy one, and my ultimate obedience, or disobedience, would bring me to either retreat in him or from him. so i left.

i continued walking. okay. how am i to know it was really God speaking? shouldn't i be close enough to him to tell?

retreat. retreat. retreat. but i do not deserve you. retreat.

maybe caitlin inspired me?

Father, i need your love. please, show me your love can survive in me.

i walked past the same homeless guy i see every morning, and have given a granola bar to in the past. every person is passing. no money today. late for work. ignorance, keep on walking.

maybe kellen inspired me?

about halfway down the block, in the same involuntary movement that i left starbucks with, i turned back around to give him the apple in my purse.

here, sir. have a good day. God bless.

then suddenly it hit me.

i'd rather have an unlimited supply of apples to give away than an abundance of coffee to drink.

maybe that's what God was trying to teach me.

God used something so insignificant as whether or not i bought a coffee to make me recognize true value.

Teacher, keep stirring my soul. mold my heart from yours. when i retreat in you, show me who you are. bless me with obedience so i can be like you.

maybe now it’s about time i let God work on my evasion of emotion.

there.

i blogged.

musing

2007-02-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

i've come to realize that my last kiss... wasn't long enough
i am listening to... city & colour
i talk... but i hate my voice
i love... laughter
my best friend... is the love of my life
i hate it when people ask.... "how's it going" but don't expect me to really answer, i mean really answer
love is... a way of life
marriage is... a lifelong slumber party
somewhere, someone is thinking... why?
i'll always... reorganize
i have a secret crush on... cinnamon dolce lattes (okay, not so secret)
the last time i cried was because... i fail
my cell phone is.... black and blue and gross
when i wake up in the morning... my kitty is mewing and clawing at the door
before i go to bed... i tell kitty he'd better be good tonight
right now i am thinking about... how i should really stop procrastinating at work
babies are... gifts
today i... printed out this really funny Dilbert comic I saw on the weekend and hung it in my cubicle (see 'jan 28' on www.dilbert.com). well i think it's funny.
tonight i will... hopefully eat something healthy for supper (chips and a burrito did not do it for me yesterday)
tomorrow i will be... so glad it's friday! i'm spending the evening with my mommy.
i really want to be... at home in my robe drinking mulled wine and watching something lovely.

triptych

2007-01-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

something old, something new, something everyone else does

so i have this profound fascination with being selfish.

example: usually when someone suggests something they plan to accomplish - something i've longed to do for a while but never got around to it, or never had the means to, or never etc... - i get huffy. sensitive, sulky, and utterly pathetic. maybe i should get off my ass and do what i planned to in the first place. no! i shouldn't, and i won't, because now it's been taken from me, the chance has passed, and that's just the way it is. so there. let me flaunt myself silently.

see what a wretch i am.

or like the time when i reminded myself i have a whack of friends, but i've never been friendly enough to end up in a wedding party (other than my sister's), and needless to say i doubt i ever will. why not? because although i am a friend to many, most of my friends are guys, and i'm a bad friend to girls.

and then the future never comes. damn it, why does it take so long for things to actually happen. seems like everytime i thought i was getting somewhere, i smash into a brick wall and life crumbles around me. i'm like humpty dumpty, a big lazy oof with no excuse, falling and crashing and inevitably ending up back on the wall every time you re-open the book.

and yet, the fault is my own. i'm bitter towards my shortfalls and it's all because of me.

...insert lightbulb here...

...i need to ask for God's forgiveness, mercy, grace, love, inspiration. see what a wretch i am, Jesus. inspired: i need to be thankful. if i'm thankful for what i have, and that i do not have what i don't have already, bitterness will cease. selfishness will cease. my sensitivity can be used by the Spirit, instead of by the evil one. and eventually, sulking will be replaced with true humility.

Lord, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me. grant me a thankful heart.

my true political self

2006-12-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

You are a
Social Conservative
(33% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(28% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Totalitarian
You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

Link: The Politics Test

tenacious L in 'the post of destiny'

2006-12-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

so one day i was procrastinating at work, and stumbled onto a post of assortment i had written way back on may 20, 2005, before nathan and i had even begun dating. the following is an excerpt...

did you know: its impossible to be best friends with a guy forever unless you marry him.

little did i know at the time that exactly one year later, to the day, i would marry my best friend.

fancy that?

checking it twice

2006-12-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

my mind is an incessant scurry of little thoughts. let me pay tribute to my friend mike and his list-infatuated blog.

:what i should do before christmas:

:finish writing my wedding thank you cards... (6 months behind and counting...)
:buy, write, and send christmas cards to lawyers associated with my company
:christmas presents?! agh!! don't even get me started!
:find time to go to the mall to buy christmas presents
:wait for Dec 15 so i can pay for christmas presents
:bake cookies for our neighbours
:go to consultation with oral surgeon re: wisdom teeth
:book an eye appointment
:book a doctor's appointment
:clean eekum's litter box
:drive our car around anxiously everyday until it proves itself again (...or until we can get a new one)
:fill our shoebox for samaritan's purse (is it too late?)
:finish making greeting cards for the artisan sale at church
:grocery shop
:pay down visa
:get wedding pictures printed and hung
:clean upstairs bathroom
:wash sofa cover, sweep, windex, my laundry
:what the heck am i going to put in nathan's stocking?!
:book off two weeks in the spring for winnipeg
:practice christmas duet with leanne
:finish selling on ebay
:hang lights outside
:finalize the innumerous holiday socializing plans with friends and family

i'm sure there's more. all you other A-type people out there - how do you manage it?!
i miss having an accessible calendar to write on. God help me.

a noteworthy blog

2006-11-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Moral High Ground

please consider this in your own lives. this is something so so simple but i find it very difficult to see actually being lived out by many in our Christian communities. i definitely felt challenged by it, and encourage you - no, i beg you to keep me accountable for that.

photography by me

2006-11-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

a few snapshots from art worship at the awaken retreat last weekend...

my blog, inspired by me

2006-11-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

i like writing creatively. but that doesn't mean it comes easily to me. what you are about to read is a little comment i wrote Beth that was illuminated by a very small area of my mind and therefore is quite likely only 5% grammar-correct. who cares. come on, something that is worthy of being blogged in my... blog... has got to be one in a million (maybe that's cause i only blog once in a million)...

"...there are strange managers on every staff! maybe [your kid-clothing store manager] has had a few experiences in the past with male employees quitting because they're surrounded by too much femininity and/or awww-induced maternal instinct. some things are just too much for guys to handle.

"speaking of awww-induced behaviour, i was at the zoo the other day picking nathan up from the ctrain, and gave in to the head-tilt, batty eyelashes, and charmed half-smile full of wishful thinking when i spotted not one, not two, but atleast three half-a-dozen children in furry little costumes being led past my car by their parents. zebras, cows, princesses, and gerbils - yes, i'm sure it was meant to be a gerbil outfit - marching alongside strollers and their half-enthusiastic moms with starbucks in hand. awe-induced is right. can't wait to be one of those baggy-eyed go-go-go moms! really i mean it!"

wow, forget i ever mentioned it.

on a completely different note, while my husband donates his time tonight to learning how to Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, i'm going christmas decoration shopping! you, honestly, have NO idea what this means to me. something i have been longing for maybe since last year. okay seriously. it's a big deal for me! i own a house now. i "sold-my-soul-to-the-income-sucking-interest-hording-we'll-kill-you-if-you-don't-choose-the-100-year-amortization" kind of own it. so now i get the privilege of decorating it for christmas. it's what everyone longs for, isn't it? to be honest i'll probably only come home with a fake 2-ft charlie-brown-esque thing that almost resembles a christmas tree and a few bobbles and twinkle lights, because my bank card won't work after that $300 is gone. boy i love christmas. not just real Christmas, with the "peace unto earth and goodwill to all men" stuff, but the commercialized "let's rob them good like they wish for a curb-stomp" christmas. icing on the cake of consumerism. this year, don't stick it to The Man, have his cake and eat it too!

satirical commentary aside, i'm serious. join me for a hot cider when i get back. here's to happy decoration hunting! :)

this mountains high

2006-10-16T09:57:00.000-06:00

a thought by a good friend Jono, followed by my response and perpetual struggle:

"God speaks, I know it, but the volume is directly proportional to our listening. Each time I listen, I hear Him, but then He introduces something else in me that needs to change, and I again need to ramp up that following and listening. If He's told you that you are soft, cruel, or selfish, then you have your next assignment. The terraces on God's mountain are very narrow. Just wide enough to allow for a moment of thanksgiving before we need to start climbing again. We find it easy to get used to things, to become accustomed to blessings and not appreciate them. God is infinite and the climbing will continue indefinitely but the moment we stay at one level for to long, we get used to it and we aren't as thankful for it. Gotta keep on moving, it's not like we're going to hit the top, God is infinite. Just thoughts which came to mind. I dunno if they're relevant or not."

relevant atleast to me.

often i find myself stopping and become apathetic towards moving again. it's comfortable where i am. if this mountain is so infinite, why should i keep trying to reach the top? reaching a clearing in the clouds only to find that there is so much further to go is scary. it brings too much of my incompetence and inability to the surface. why dare take another step? i could build a pretty little cottage and live right here until the end. but then occasionally i feel something prodding me - nagging me to keep going up and up and up...

if only i could make out the path i'm to follow.

expedite this

2006-10-13T11:45:00.000-06:00

i found the electric fireplace i want and likely we will get:

only $150 from home depot.

yes, we will have a place to hang our stockings and not just over the tv!

dilemmas... i hate being in the waiting stage. our car, my raise, decorating, renovating, anticipating the future... but i hate waiting so much so i can't even bear to write about it.

anyone else have this blogging problem? so much on your mind that you can't even begin to display it in words so you just don't.

someone please buy me a fireplace

2006-10-03T11:31:00.000-06:00

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

i know, i know. it's only october. i don't care. i love christmas.
joy to the world
i played the charlie brown christmas soundtrack at work last week and people were smiling.
fine, they were likely laughing at me, but they were still smiling.
joy joy joy

stupid people piss me off

2006-09-26T12:30:00.000-06:00

that's all.

our wedding

2006-08-08T11:51:00.000-06:00

only a few of my favourite wedding shots...

dreams of juggling

2006-06-30T11:28:00.000-06:00

Aghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work is really really getting to me and if anyone knows me well they know that this isn't the first time I've become unsettled. My sister went to camp for the summer and while she is building key relationships with others and solidifying her relationship with God, I am stuck here at a desk still distributing the million computer faxes that have come in since yesterday -- and are still coming in dozens by the minute while I write this -- and building my hate relationship with my misc. inbox until I grow a second brain and a third arm to tend to it.

I know this will only last a few more weeks until they hire a new receptionist so I can get back to my administrative duties. Of course, my unsettled soul will eventually settle back down into my mundane 9-5er, and I'll be merely apathetic until I come across a number of reasons why I should become unsettled again. But it's too much to handle right now, which is why I'm blogging instead of doing faxes and answering phones.

Please pray. Please please please. I won't lie - life is expensive. But are decent pay and job stability worth dealing with the stresses of a job you actually hate?

On another note...

Gull Lake Baptist Camp is in desperate need of volunteers for this summer. Please visit www.gullakecamp.net for more info. If things work out, I may be able to head up for a week in August. But as far as I know, there are atleast 40 volunteer positions available throughout the summer. You have no choice: Give them a call.

What would I like to be doing right now instead of sitting at a computer, burning my eyes and developing arthritis from typing too many numbers with my right hand?

Working as a counselor or artist at camp.
Singing in a band. Being discovered.
Doing pilates.
Volunteering relief work in developing countries.
Continue taking hip hop dance lessons and eventually backup dance.
Developing worship through the other arts at Awaken.
Opening a present with a much beautiful camera inside.
Taking a photography course and eventually getting paid to take as many beautiful or ugly photos as I like.
Designing something.

Hold that thought, office meeting in the main room.

...

*Sigh* Or, putting up with the hectics of the office during the busiest time of the year, train our new receptionist in two weeks, and be promoted into funding by autumn.

See, I told you I'd settle back down. Putting that To Do list back on the shelf.

lara to the rescue

2006-06-27T13:30:00.000-06:00

I think my results are debatable... please post a reply and vote: Is this the real Lauren underneath, or do quiz results lie?

You scored as Lara Croft. A thrill-seeking, slightly unscrupulous, tough-as-nails archaeologist, Lara Croft travels the world in search of ancient relics perhaps better left hidden. She packs two Colt .45s and has no fear of jumping off buildings, exploring creepy tombs, or taking on evil meglomaniacs bent on world domination.

James Bond, Agent 007

71%

Lara Croft

71%

Indiana Jones

63%

El Zorro

63%

Batman, the Dark Knight

63%

Maximus

54%

Neo, the "One"

54%

Captain Jack Sparrow

54%

The Terminator

50%

The Amazing Spider-Man

38%

William Wallace

33%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

out of hand

2006-05-02T11:42:00.000-06:00

i'm sorry i really haven't had time to update my blog with personal rants/reflections/daily schedules. the first half of the year has been primarily filled with wedding planning and house possession, leaving me little time to muse over road rage, stencils, or anything else people blog about these days.
but i do have time at work to take way too many personality tests!
and since everyone else has posted this particular one on their blog, i might as well jump on the bandwagon...

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results

Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Poise	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Leadership	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Provocativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Self-Disclosure	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Talkativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Group Attachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	47%
Understanding	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Pleasantness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Tenderness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Nurturance	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Conscientiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Efficiency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Purposefulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Organization	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Rationality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Planning	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Happiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Moderation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Toughness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Impulse Control	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Imperturbability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Cool-headedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Tranquility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Ingenuity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Reflection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Quickness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Creativity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Depth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

personality test fetish anyone?

2006-04-26T13:40:00.000-06:00

draw a pig!

alright, i decided the embeddable player significantly diminished my blog appeal.

instead, draw a pig here.

ESFJ

2006-03-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

So I was perusing the world of blogs and came across a free trial of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I've taken it a number of times but I had to confirm my letters once more. Yes, this has been me for the past 21 years.

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

ESFJ -

Extroverted (E) 58.33% Intro (I) 41.67%
Sensing (S) 61.76% Intuitive (N) 38.24%
Feeling (F) 65.63% Thinking (T) 34.38%
Judging (J) 66.67% Perceiving (P) 33.33%

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

^ i got engaged on this day

2005-12-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

this is our engagement photo.

seeing God in 3x5s

2005-12-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

God is a personal God.

it is possible to believe that God is not personal if you are blind, deaf, mute, vegetative, lifeless, and without a spirit. yet even then i'd question your reasoning.

i can't believe coincidence or "fate" is more personal than God any more than i can believe we evolved with no purpose in mind. unfortunately i've allowed the past few months to unfocus myself on where God is in the midst of life. but i eventually found myself at the bottom of a hole with no where to look but up... literally. the last 24 hours have deepened my understanding of just how personal God is and how visible His love is... even in ordinary things.

-the people around me have been such a blessing. my family, nathan, friends, coworkers...

-the Spirit has a huge hand on the heart of Awaken. i am so excited for where we are going as a church community and have no doubt that God will strengthen us if we keep our eyes on Him.

-i've been provided with so much financially -- i got an unexpectedly large bonus at work, got me back on track with savings and let me spend a little more on christmas gifts.

-my eye infection is gone. yes, i used polysporin on it all weekend. that should be common sense. but i prayed it would heal and oh look, it has.

-this morning i woke up and got out of the house with time to spare. (no rushing = very good start to lauren's day!)

-i trusted God would help me find a parking spot in the rush at brentwood. He did.

-i got off the train at ten past eight (unusually early) and had enough time to meander over to starbucks for an amazing grande vanilla non fat earl grey tea misto.

and then...
i looked at the sky.

enroute to downtown i had been listening to john mayer's old cd room for squares (a blessing in itself - i love his music and his lyrics are subtly intelligent - it's been in my player for the past week). one song has caught my attention several times. the style's a bit country-esque so its surprising that i really really like the song. anyways it came on just as i stepped out of starbucks this morning.

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliché
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's

wow i love john mayer.
anyways so it was just a little reminder for me to appreciate the beauty of the sky this morning. and it wasn't hard to look up. see it's the simple things... God doesn't have to give me everything i want in order for me to believe His love is personal. He knows my passion for beauty and art in all its forms, and he blessed me with a made-to-order reminder this morning.

Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. (phil 4:6)

Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. (psalm 37:4)

God only seems as distant as you allow. but look for Him and you'll notice He's been beside you the whole time. a verse pops into my head that i read at pwc way back in january...

Careful, I've put a huge stone on the road to Mount Zion, a stone you can't get around. But the stone is me! If you're looking for me, you'll find me on the way, not in the way. (romans 9:33)

so why 3x5s? because especially in the consumer driven pace of the christmas season it's easy to forget where God really fits in. i want to experience life to the fullness that only God can offer when He's standing right beside me. like the homeless guy who sits outside starbucks every day, and says 'have a nice day' to everyone who walks by. i ended up walking past him the other day then turned back after half a block to give him a bag of cookies i had in my pocket. there was beauty in his smile when he said thank you. i can't fully see God's work until i look for it. so sometimes we need the 3x5s to remind us of that, so we can anticipate what's coming... like mere glimpses of the beauty we will experience when we're standing in the glory of the Father... the background on my desktop is a sunset reflected in the waves of an ocean... as a casual photographer i find it even worshipful to capture beauty in a frame.

so take snapshots of your life, literal or figurative. see God's personal touch in it. find beauty in it. be thankful for it and anticipate the next opportunity to experience your life... it's here now...

thanks Father for Your hand in the world. for the reminders everyday of Your grace in my life. i pray john mayer, along with the rest of us, would realize the beauty of the earth that he sees is the handiwork of a very loving, very personal Creator.

i am chocolate

2005-12-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

apparently it must be true. even though i'm not a fan of indulging in white chocolate. which almost makes sense -- if you think about it.

what kind of chocolate are you?

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in.
Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you.
You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

new additions

2005-11-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

thought i would combine a previous journal i had with this blog. if you're interested in reading some stuff ive written through the past year, go ahead. it's all below...

:) hey life is good. okay God is better.

infringing copyrights?

2005-11-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

the following story is my 15 year old sister caitlin's gruesome account of what began as a seemingly uneventful halloween evening... i thought it was really well written! if you want to comment, ill be the one over in that corner rocking back and forth...

All it was, was a ride in my sister's car. thats all it took to look past what seemed to be doom's lair & a handful of candy and realize; hey that might be fun! but we didnt know what was coming when lauren and i crawled out of the vehicle, down the path and landed on the front stoop of death. this halloween was unlike any other. my first year not going trick or treating! or even dressing up! the horror of the thought made me shudder, that we could have ended the night by watching a nice light movie-perhaps Tarzan- and yet be safe in my home. why did we have to pick this place? though it was all too late! i seized my beloved sister's grasp- at least that would be the only warmth and happy feeling i would ever behold after entering wht seemed to be a tent full of hideous memories and concealed futures. we took the first steps- okay so far...but now what? would a horrid creature jump out and kill us both?! no. we had to remain calm and gather up all the sence we mercily had left behind on the road somewhere. weaving through silver-tinted passageways, creeping through dark green mist. i longed for the moment when we would be free of this wretched place and back on the normal, rustic earth of our birth. at one maze-end we found what looked like a gray whethered rock- but it occured to us that this was no rock! 'i dare you to touch it...' i breathed trying to gain some humour and push aside what evil spells might cast upon us at the very moment. it was most certainly not a rock. it was a mummy. lying there so absurdly and disgustingly it made me cringe,and i turned and bid lauren to run from that haunted corner. i was getting so tired...when would this ordeal be over? but it was only the beginning. after another frustrating dead end, we managed toget to a wooden bridge. as we lifted our feet and slid them back down on the sliver-filled bark, we couldnt help feeling we were being watched. the mist so thick now, we could barely see the gravestones we passed by - lead only by our imaginations and walls keeping us in- forever trapped. my mind raced with all the messages written on the wall; of dieing and revenge- and finally- of rona lumber plastic wrap walls!!! lauren couldnt bear it any longer! she fled, surging my hand to glide swiftly past and through the rest. a scream...coming from my own lips-my eyes twitching as i watched the infamous fog devour me up, losing grip on my loved-one's hand, falling into a black hole where i knew i could do no more for it had been done! my life was put to an unmerciless en ----- blank. lauren shook me awake on the wet grass outside of the cheap halloween tent. i quivered and she pulled me up. everyone staring right through us as if we weren't there...as if...no! i told myself it couldn't be true. i could hear the wind and smell the sweet scent of autumn...tasting the car exhaust as we billowed through the reckless crowd of ghosts. we went to my place...met up with my sisters boyfriend and his younger brother who were waiting outside to get in...i turned the key and thanked my soul for not losing hope...for it had finally ended...and i was home -- drinking a smoothie and pecking out of the halloween goodie-filled basket -- and watching Tarzan.
-Caitlin

when actually

2005-10-29T02:36:00.000-06:00

it's almost two in the morning!

i went to the bank today. set up an automatic savings plan, applied for my first credit card, walked away feeling productive. yeah, all i can say is finally. so, finally.

you know its funny. since that day i prayed over michelle, God and spirituality has come up in conversation more than 3 times. she mentioned feeling more peaceful since telling him what she needs. she sent me a website with The Lords Prayer, and i sent her james 1. i like james 1. after our office unfortunately did not win the $40 million 6/49 jackpot, she made a comment about us being the only 2 in the office who said we'd still go to work for the sake of the company, and apparently we're the only ones who should deserve to win anything anyways. well i think God has a reason for everything. the company would have gone under if everyone left. that is so true, and we were the only ones who said we would stay. you know what that is? values. and you know we'll be the rich ones at the end of it because we're more focused on keeping relationships (or something like that). yeah, because God will provide no matter what happens. mmhmmmm..he sure does... and really, if i ever won $2 million, i'd find it harder to trust God. yeah, exactly. that's how i see it, too.

so it's been pretty cool. i was telling nathan today how i don't think michelle is the only reason why im working at first national. but i believe God wants to use us wherever we are, and good relationships are key to really showing Christ's love to others. so we need to make sure that every relationship we have is nurtured at every opportunity. i could have gone off on a "Christ died a sacrificial death to redeem me so i have chosen to submit my entire life to him" tangent, but that's not what it's about. certainly, there comes a point when the complete explanation of salvation comes into play, but on a day to day basis, my focus is on solely connecting. i'm not a fan of bullhorn evangelism.

now. i'm excited for this weekend. going to the glenbow tomorrow with my family (never been a huge fan on the way to museums but once we're there it usually gets interesting) and then to a banquet at the church. church on sunday should be good, a man from tijuana who helps organize our mission trips came up for a weekend conference and he'll be speaking at Awaken. he's a really good speaker... inspirational.

hmmmm... i like chiantis. nathan got sick tonight so i half slept-half finished watching the interpreter with his family, and then came home to my roommate watching the family man with her friends and a chocolate donut from timmies -- half of which i ate, even though i refused a donut offered to me at nathan's. mmmm balancing whole wheat pasta with extra fatty goodness.

it is more than half past two now and consequently my contacts have become glued to my eyes. subsequently, my grammar has become unglued.

goodnight :)

moments for god's glory

2005-10-14T11:47:00.000-06:00

For almost my whole life I've struggled with how to hear God speak and to discern between his voice, the world's voice, and the voice I want to be his. This has been something I've wanted to secure in my life, but I realize there is no absolute formula on how to hear God.

This past tuesday I almost audibly heard God and was able to discern his voice. While finishing up the last set of faxes for the day at my office, God told me to go pray over one of the women who was stressing about her surgery the next day. She was getting her tubes tied, and even as a late-thirty year old, she was still unsure if it was the right thing to do. So God told me to go pray. It was clear and I understood, but it still caught me off guard. Let me explain. I work in an office of about 20 people, and as far as I know, I am the only Christian. Since I started work here last January, I haven't been very spiritually forward with my coworkers about my faith... maybe due to intimidation as I'm the youngest here, but also because of my struggle with trusting God to open opportunities. Anyways, this particular woman is moreso into New Age than anything else, and so when God spoke to me about praying over her, I was almost surprised at the obvious opportunity to just love her.
I didn't want it to be awkward praying around other people. So God confirmed what I had to do when everyone left our part of the office but me and her... go figure. Well here goes.. I felt vulnerable. Why? I was told to lead this woman into the presence of God. Okay fine. I put my hand on her shoulder and asked if I could pray for her. Sure. Do you mind? No, not at all. Okay. Dear God, I want to pray for Michelle right now. I pray over her decision about tomorrow, that you would clarify what she needs to do. Please fill her with your grace, give her peace about the right decision, and I pray she wouldn't regret whatever she does in the end. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Wow, was she crying? I grabbed my coat and purse, and went back to give her a hug. I couldn't believe she teared up. Had my prayer really touched her so much?

She emailed me wednesday morning thanking me for my prayer. It had helped and she knows she is doing the right thing now. I had made her day.

I had made her day?

Okay so she was blessed by it. Did I know I would be so blessed by something so simple like listening to God? A moment of selflessness turned into a moment for God's glory.

Thanks for making your voice so clear, Father... for making the opportunity so simple I couldn't NOT do it. Help me to follow your lead almost automatically, without losing the emotion or the vision or the passion.

if you haven't seen these

2005-10-03T23:29:00.000-06:00

...you should.

Jesus Videos

they really are fun. don't worry kids, jesus isn't really like this :)

sorry i haven't been so up on the blogging yet this month... it is 11:26 pm and i am excessively tired. i almost fell asleep standing up at work today while turning folder files into elastic files and then into computer files and finally into 'shipped to toronto' files. see i knew you'd fall asleep too. my hands are dry. dry hands... wet heart? well i'd hope so! goodnight.

so this is love

2005-09-30T13:03:00.000-06:00

or is it?
will i write in here as often as i hope i will? will i publish my deepest thoughts? will i be able to convey my thoughts, my desires, my musings, in words?
well. we shall see. oh yes, we will.

post script - please take a moment to view my past journals, which I have conveniently posted below. each were written on the respective day.

i have a moment, one more

2005-09-16T14:55:00.000-06:00

weathered mascara, burnt wax on porcelain
full on, full on
rain stained windshield, hazy misconceptions
drive on, drive on
open highways ahead, excusing the opportunity
laugh on, laugh on
sun streaked black sky, facing the dormant
head on, head on
red yellow pink green, beauty catching its breath
purple orange blue, undermining the clouds...

good thing i am not the wicked witch of the west.

deep thought for the day?
every monday should be a holiday.

london

2005-07-12T11:36:00.000-06:00

part of me stayed on the ground last august when i left england -- an island drenched with more culture and history per square inch than canada could ever muster out of its whole country. maybe its partly the events of last week, but something has unsettled me again, unsettled my heart for the hearts of the british. unless you've been overseas, you couldn't understand how i feel about the places i've been. as the end of last week unfolded, that sense of 'home' i felt in england was threatened and somehow im left wanting to go back 'home' even more... i very much believe God is confirming his desires in me. ergo i'm a bit anxious to be taken back whenever God leads. so many things in my life are now no longer a matter of 'if' but 'when'... and right now i need a shitload of patience.
ahh...

spring spring springing

2005-06-14T15:12:00.000-06:00

you've already captured me...

life has taken me by surprise in the past month. it's almost scary but at the same time i know it is so right... those who have ever been in a serious relationship might know what i mean. it's like i was running full speed into the unknown and all of a sudden have swung into a completely different direction where everything i know stays the same but suddenly life has a different colour to it...suddenly a huge change in perspective on what love really is. a month ago, i was happily single. finally at the point in my life where i was content with just me and God; ok with a future relationship but not actively looking for one. many people told me 'it'll happen when you least expect it' and i laughed it off because i knew it couldn't be for a long while. just over a week later, i ate my laughter like you eat your words when you forget to knock on wood. God surprised me and in some ways i was hoping it wasn't Him... "I'm finally happy being single, and finally beginning to discover Your plans for my life..I don't have time or attention to give to someone else, especially when i don't believe in casual dating!!"... thoughts like that ran through my mind. yet i have learned not to take anything for granted and realized that i was being presented with a choice... a choice and a wonderful opportunity. God said yes in many ways and so here i am. i am still the same person and i guess that's why i don't find this as scary as it was in the beginning. it is not warping who i am unlike past relationships i have found myself in or dreaming about. maybe that's because i know he loves me for who i am, as i am, regardless. what's it like to think that i very well could be married within the year? isn't three official weeks too early in a relationship to tell? it could be different because i've known him for two years and we've already built that initial foundation... almost like nothing has changed in the past month bar the boyfriend/girlfriend label.

it's not that i know we will get married indefinitely. it's that i know it could happen and i am willing to become ready to love him for the rest of my life. please don't take this as vomit inducing awww-ful revelations. i wouldn't prefer your keyboard to fall victim to your stomach churned reaction... this is my journal and this has been on my mind... so i'm writing it. all i'm saying is God has poured out His blessing over my life in ways i never would have imagined and i am so incredibly thankful.

i once heard someone say "don't worry about whether the person is right for you or not. Just focus on becoming closer to God as individuals, and if that brings you closer together as a couple then you know you're headed in the right direction." thank you Father, and please continue to guide us. all for Your glory.

some days are meant for this

2005-05-20T16:51:00.000-06:00

my mind is full of stuff, but when i come to write it all down, it becomes as empty as the text box i'm writing this in. almost like i come to rant, release, put down the weight from my shoulders.. but then i get here and question the importance of writing stuff down. is it so others can read it? do i care if no one reads or responds? is it just an expression of what i'm thinking but not who i am? or is it solely to put things into words for myself so i can understand them better?

shoot. blank again. lol

maybe ill come back later and add something when i remember, cause atleast i know the text box won't start out empty again... hmmm.....

oh im back. after musing through journals i wrote in the past, i've realized i rarely ever journal on here when im happy or just having a good day. im usually only inspired to write about something im struggling with, or when my days crappy. i think its funny because people who don't know me probably think im like that all the time... yeah i thought about it and i think its funny. thats all for now!

so tomorrow is my first day of in car drivers ed lessons. agh 8 in the morning.. why did i do that??
to be honest im excited to finally drive and have the freedom it brings, but a bit lost on the subject at the same time. ive had alot of dreams where im driving a car and suddenly am not able to control it, it will speed up and the brakes will stop working, or ill lose steering control, and usually i end up crashing into something. i know real driving is different, and a car is made to be controlled, but after not having driven at all for the past 2 years, i pray my unusual fear won't get the better of me. im usually not this paranoid... and im sure ill do fine... i just hate dreaming stuff like that.

maybe im really a control freak and the dreams have nothing to do with driving a car? i dont think so... hmmm.. this is fun. i like coming back to the same journal on completely different topics.

did you know: its impossible to be best friends with a guy forever unless you marry him.

my favourite smell in the summer?
mayday trees.
i thought they were lilacs but was corrected by my mother who said lilacs only grow on bushes.
i really have yet to prove her wrong on so so many things..

So we're still in search of a fourth roommate. we start paying rent in our new duplex in june, and it's cool cause i am not worried about it at all because i know God will provide. He always does :) oh speaking of which i'm just coming out of a valley that i was in for a very long time spiritually. on my way out, God's been teaching me tons about having faith even when we don't see or feel Him. But at the same time as being lifted up in my relationship with God, i've dug myself into a hole financially -- nothing permanent, and nothing a few weeks paycheck won't fix. enter grace. a friend of mine just recently paid off half of one debt i owed because God told him to... i don't deserve it in any way; i deserve to pay it off myself and learn from my mistakes of spending good money in dumb places at the wrong time. leaves me feeling very humbled and also realizing God's hand in everything good... i was missing it for a while and i'm glad i've come back.

ive had enough

2005-05-02T10:12:00.000-06:00

my vision
shattered
like broken glass
marred, chaffed, lost
like dreams of consistency in a sea of the past
unquenched
quench this dry land
before it rots
rots
rots
and spits you back out
like tears from this well
fallen like dried flies on a well spun web
caught between going and staying
loving and hating
apathy and caring
you and...

ENOUGH!

scarred yet again, perhaps for the last time
my faith took me this far
the dirt still tastes the same
how long till you lift me?
like a father should
like my father would
like you could have but didn't

this waiting game
grows thick
and im sick of not knowing
not hearing
not feeling
not caring
CARE FOR ME!!!!!
or do you care for me??

words
meaningless words, all driven mad like the woman who loves becoming like me
is this more than a tired morning?
or a mourning of a tired soul?

knotted to the ground
while momentum for potential surges through and through
unclenching fists grasping for something
something
something
until knees hit the mud
over
over
over
still expect to find something there
but help does not reach for me

surges come
i want to go
i want to love
i want to care
i want you

lift me lift me lift me
or will you let me stumble again for your glory?

wanderings

2005-04-12T16:54:00.000-06:00

my mind goes everywhere. don't believe me? read on...

last night was interesting. God revealed some things about myself and i'm coming to a better understanding of what it means to be free in Christ. today i woke up and i was in a great mood, came to work and everything was ... nice. i thought, yay life is sorting out even if its not right away, i know itll be okay and God will give me direction and i don't need to worry about anything. so trusting in God in itself sorts life out.

then i went to the prayer room at lunch where i was encouraged by a psalm on the wall that specifically had to do with some things that were revealed yesterday so that was cool. i sat in 'my' chair and read the same verse in the nearby bible hoping to get a bit more insight and maybe read more of the same psalm. did that. okay so God's telling me to trust him even more and completely submit my desires because his are so much better and with him i can defeat a whole army.. or something like that. thanks, God. i left the prayer room and walked back to work just in time to catch a whole whack of faxes that had come in while i was gone before they had time to sprout legs and take over the entire office. thank goodness i was there to save the day.

the next few hours trudged by like a turtle on a hot highway getting run over by a semi. except i felt like the turtle. isn't time with God supposed to rejuvenate and restore me? maybe im being selfish? i must be confused because usually i don't come out of God's presence feeling like crap.

i went to the bank at 3:30 to do my daily deposit, and was happy to get out of the office. happy in a fit of frustration storming out the door kind of way.
walking to the bank i let God see my heart. am i mad at you God? maybe a little. i hate this rollercoaster of emotional and spiritual highs and lows followed by other highs then getting run over by semis. why can't life be nice? geez God, give me some credit. again, im selfish. sorry.

i let the escalator ride up from the bank cool me off. suddenly God said 'go for a walk, I want to show you something.' there was nothing i could do but go along. so instead of turning left out of the bank i turned right. i became excited when a big gust of wind whipped by me and i remembered a bit of Job that I had read last night before bed. I had opened the bible to where it was bookmarked and remembered an event from november that included reading the same bit of Job in the woman's bathroom at Brentview baptist some cold tuesday evening after work because God told me to. So when the wind ran by me, God asked me 'Who made the wind?' and i replied 'you did. thanks, that's cool. ...now what? there are no stars in the sky to comment on, no big ocean on stephen ave i can stand in wonder of. but ill keep walking.' Either because it was cold or the thought of an arrow indicating the +15 enticed me, i took a right into bankers hall and made my way up the escalator. somehow i felt guilty just standing there so i walked up the last half of the way. God where are you taking me? Yeah that fresh bread smells good, thanks God, now i'm hungry. *rolls eyes* ...okay God i'm still walking. these people are walking too slowly but that's okay, I have time. 'Take a right.' Got it. now people are looking at me weird because i took the long way around. whatever. oh let's go down the escalator. fine by me! k, now what God? if there was water coming down this huge wall fountain you could ask me 'Who made the water?' But there is no water so what are you trying to show me?? Alright outside we go. oo automatic doors. okay... now i can tell it might start raining. i like rain. oh a mom and her baby, that's cute, maybe when i walk by ill get a smile from the kid and send them a nice hello. nevermind, they've turned their back now. What's up God? What are you trying to show me?

so i ended up walking back to work the long way, hoping to hear from God, see a sign of His omnipotence, or something to a similar degree. a rock in the shape of a heart would have made my day. but i didn't really get much and im still stumped.

surprised there was no happy ending to my adventure today? this is the real Christian walk. it's not always happy go lucky always seeing God. it's a struggle, a journey. wonder what would happen if we told people what christianity is really like? there are times we have to take blind steps of faith, and sometimes it hurts. thankfully my hope is not in my success, but in Jesus and his saving grace. i will keep wandering.

yay for journals i dont care if anyone reads :) atleast writing this took some time off the rest of the work day.
(im really not as hopeless as i seem... )

unsettled...

2005-03-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

...but not like a wave tossed by the wind.

Half a year ago, I returned from England wanting stability. Security. Routine. And now, six months later, I have a full time job that I love, have moved into an apartment, am regularly involved at my church, and have a general plan in my head around the next 6 months of my life. Oh the fall will work perfectly: keep my full time during the week, and take a massage therapy course on the weekends. Add to that an increase in financial security. on the outside, I couldn't be more settled.

So why don't I feel settled in my heart???

There is this constant battle between my heart and mind for my life. My mind wants to rationalize things and make sure everything I do is practical. Until church yesterday, it had been winning. Then something awoke abruptly inside me, sometime after one of my pastors said something about how having Christian faith for the rest of eternity includes right now. Where am I in life? Even if my head says yes, is this really where God wants me? So it seems God has unsettled my heart. And my heart wrestles my mind to stay unsettled -- to take an 'impractical' leap of faith.

The only problem is, I don't know where to leap to. Towards God, of course, but where will that physically take me in a week? A month? Three months? Last night after meeting with one friend over Starbucks, I felt the Holy Spirit prodding me about whether or not I'm willing to leave Calgary again if that's where God calls me. Shocked that God could actually unsettle me again, I explained these stirrings to another friend when I got home. He told me about his 'leap of faith' to do YWAM in Australia happening in the span of a week -- from an idea spurred by the Holy Spirit, to selling his car, to getting his travel visa, to actually leaving, all in a week. It scares me that God could uproot me that quickly -- and at the same time, I long for it. With all that I am and everything God's molding me to become, I long to be unsettled. The world wants me to settle, but I don't actually want the 9-2-5-4-life. Even as my mind shouts at the top of its lungs for stability, my heart cries for an unsettled life so deeply rooted in Christ and His ministry that it could literally take me anywhere at anytime.

So where does this leave me now?

Hesitant. My first week of training with YFC in 2003 brought us to university dorms where we slept, attended seminars, hung out, and developed awesome friendships. By the end of that week, our surroundings had become comfortable for us. We still had another few weeks of training to go, but in a different city. We arrived at our new dorms, and instantly wanted things to be how they were before. We missed the room set up, the big kitchen, the courtyard… But before we knew it, another week had passed and we had grown to love the second place as much as the first, even though it was weird when we arrived. K so this isn’t just some random story I threw in here – hopefully it’s described a bit of what I’m feeling now. I’m at the end of my first week, loving where I am, and can’t see any reason why I should move on. Moving on is difficult. Difficult is scary. And still, …I can’t stay still. Everything inside me yearns to jump…

Trust, patience, trust.

requiem of living

2005-03-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

multitudes of gratitude
undeserved
blankets of you

head spun, was clouded thoughts
blind trust in blindness
captive to the known and only seen
unreleased from this |i |r |o |n |p |r |i |s |o |n |
--but lifted am i and leasing from then
in given in, so giving up
what I knew, still so much more
if for you, now for you

remain: altars unending
made of broken walls
at this funeral of my last breath;
by your unleashed mercy
surrounding, washing, sanitizing
oh to know you more, so much more, and more

yes and yes and yes
an untimed alarm, but a stopwatch for you
threads of an unfinished masterpiece
forgiven and forgiven and forgiven
i will do, anything i will
seemingly unwaiting, but wait for you

multitudes of gratitude
undeserved
blankets of you

so requited love
blankets of you
thank you, thank you, thank you

the weekend

2005-01-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

So I went to the Break Forth conference in Edmonton this past weekend. My only intention of going was to take notes in the electives my mom had chosen for herself as she was swamped with work and I went in her place. The drive up was a long one in multitudes of fog, but a good drive with a good friend nonetheless. We finally arrived around 7 for registration. I met up with a group of college & career from my church and got ready to come away from the weekend with nothing more than a couple pages of notes about nothing I hadn't heard before... Inevitably, God had other plans.

Dr. Joyce Meyer, the speaker on friday night, began her schpeel with a bang, and then about halfway through her talk brought up something I had long struggled with but never really thought about. How often in conversation do you hear people trying to get their own opinion across? How often do I sit on the edge of my seat, wanting so badly to express my point of view? I think.... I want.... I feel... No need for a newsflash, I'm sure everyone has felt this way atleast once, including myself. And I'm sure many of us have heard that Christ calls us to be selfless and humble and sacrificial, even when it comes to expressing our opinions at the opportune moments. This brought the first “hmmm, that’s interesting” of many throughout the weekend. Put others before myself? Heaven forbid they might assume I actually agree with them if I stay silent! Yet I am convinced. Christ is love and He is our message. How can we defend Him if we are too busy defending ourselves?

So that was friday night. Saturday began with a quick trip to Staples to get a notebook, and then I went to my first elective on the use of jazz within worship. As a casual pianist who often plays keys at my church, it was awesome to gain more ideas on creativity that I could bring to our evening services as well as to my personal playing. Elective numbers two and three related to songwriting and vocal techniques, but I didn’t find them as exciting or informative as the first. Luckily for me I got hand outs in all three classes so I didn’t need to worry about taking too many notes :)

Saturday evening hit me like a wave, and I suddenly found myself exhausted right as the main assembly began. Enjoying it listlessly, I sat through the first half of worship led by Paul Baloche, and even drifted off a few times. Then Open the Eyes of My Heart began and I shot up in a burst of energy. At almost the same speed, hesitation caught up with me. Let me explain. Baptists are good at many things. They are especially good at not dancing. I grew up in the same church I attend now, and the physically charismatic scale has rarely reached the intensity that I often feel drawn to express myself by. I’ve often felt held back, limited by my fear of others and “oh my goodness what would they think if I started clapping?” Thankfully one of the things I had been learning up until that point was that worship is about God. Just God. Not the person next to us, not the congregation we are leading, and definitely not about the music or words. So with that, I threw aside the hesitation and worshipped God. At one point I was the only one standing in our section. But I didn’t care. I’d reached a new depth in worship for me and just being in the presence of God made it very comfortable. Good times.

I don’t suppose anyone has heard of Dr. K.P. Yohannan. If you haven’t go to www.gfa.org/gfa/aboutkp and learn about him. Read his stuff. Honestly one of the best speakers I’ve ever sat in front of. He spoke for over an hour between worship sets and held everyone’s attention like a hostage at gunpoint. And his message was just as subtle. He gave us many personal accounts of what God has been doing in Asia, and how far Christians there are going to serve Christ even under the threats of persecution, torture and death. He then challenged our nation almost offensively, saying that we are the laziest Christians the world has ever seen. I can’t help but agree with him. Yohannan dared us to go deeper with God and search beyond life here on earth. To live is Christ and to die is gain. I certainly felt challenged. It wasn’t an intended guilt trip, but merely an encouragement in prodding us to do something about the souls around us that lay within reach of the Kingdom. This easily connects with something Philip Yancey said at the service yesterday morning, comparing life on earth to that of eternity’s Kingdom. Paraphrased, “Reach for the life to come, and you’ll get the earth along with it. Reach just for life on the earth, and you’ll get neither.”

So as you can see, the weekend proved to be so much more than I initially expected it would be. Wow. I got a lot more than just a few notes I was meaning to pass onto my mom. Man. God is amazing guys—humbly let Him lead you. Get to know Him. Seek Him in conversations. Cling to Him. Love Him. Do this because He is a real and very presently moving Father. Don’t become blinded by mere tradition or religiously christian habits. A Christian life doesn’t have to be square, so don’t put God in a box.

balanced instability

2004-12-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

fears sprung out like water from a spring
is this who i am? am i where i need to be?
cried out to the father
'listen!'
so i listened
'speak!'
he stayed silent

tears poured out like bad milk from a jug
w?rought wit?h confu?sion, my vision unclear
direction i lack
options too vast
closure finding fast

...i can't make up my mind
wanting the earth to listen
and the heavens to speak
--------------------------
i am unsettled in my approach
listening to the earth
and speaking to the heavens

ahem.
honesty:
my last resort
a zone out of comfort
yet in being to others,
i can not be to myself
or gain understanding in who i am at the same time
irony?

a committed wreck/i can not commit
an impoverished soul/i can not impoverish
an ignored friend/i will not ignore
misunderstood/i will understand

so in existing out of love
in patience, i will love
kindness, i will love
goodness, i will love
faithfulness, i will love
gentleness, i will love
self control, i will love

Christ, be my love
ask
seek
knock

until i hear the heavens speak
and receive the silence of the earth
and understand
who he is
and find
myself
in his arms

and my strength, restored